Deathmatch
by Creator-Chaos
Summary: At one time, Sirius did try to kill James. Just... not in the way the Ministry thought. PROMPT
1. The One Where the Challenge Is Issued

Manyissues101's prompt for me: marauders, the invisibility cloak, involving the words "nasal cavity" as often as possible.

This is what was born. Going to multiple, short chapters.

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"So basically, if we use the invisibility cloak—WILL YOU SHUT UP PADFOOT—to wait in on the class before us, we can get the answers to the test without getting caught!"

Sirius, who had been enthusiastically clearing his nasal cavity, threw away the tissue and smiled at the plan complacently.

"That… doesn't make any sense," Remus informed him slowly.

"Why not?" James demanded, affronted.

"It's a Transfiguration test. You know what you're supposed to do, it's just a matter of doing it."

"Oh." James sat down, crestfallen.

"Looks like we'll just have to fail," Sirius said cheerily. "Pass me a tissue, will you, Wormtail?"

Peter complied, staring curiously at Sirius's nasal cavity..

"I don't believe this! My cloak has to be good for something!"

"Just face it, Prongs. The only thing you've managed to do with it is show Padfoot and Wormtail a good time by letting them hide with you in the female prefect bathing room."

"And a damn good use, that!" Sirius exclaimed heartily. "You know what they say about girls with glasses."

Peter turned slowly to look at Sirius. "What do they say about girls with glasses?"

"Well, that they're hot."

"Oh."

"Look, the point it, it hasn't benefited anyone yet! It's an invisibility cloak! It should have saved my life by now!"

"Yah, where're those assassins when you need them?" Remus responded sarcastically.

James's face took on a strange, demonic light. "No," Remus said desperately, "oh, no…"

James leaped onto the table in front of the fireplace. "Attention, my Gryffindor compatriots! I, James Potter, am about to embark on an adventure of the grandest nature, and am in the most ultimate, desperate need of a valiant individual, willing to risk death and bodily harm, but assured of eternal recognition and true rectification of his or her immortal soul! Yes, my noble companions—who want to kill James Potter?"

Several hands shot up across the common room, but Sirius stood on a distant chair before anyone had decided how much they were willing to risk for eternal recognition.

"I, Sirius Black, will completely and nobly fulfill the requirements entailed in this truly grand and memorable endeavor, never failing or shirking my duties, and upholding the honor which I am fully aware this opportunity is!"

Peter's eyes had grown wide, caught between terror and excitement. Remus had laid his head in his hands. "Why, God, why…"

"I will pursue you continually and with the greatest stealth," Sirius continued. "You shall never be assured of safety and shall never possess true peace!"

"And they shall say of Sirius Black forever: He was a great man!" James shouted.

Remus groaned. The common room cheered. James and Sirius walked arm-over-shoulder up the stairs to their dorm room.

A moment later, Sirius tripped James down the stairs, then threw a book at him.


	2. The One With Monte

(Typed this up a while ago and have been too busy to post or work anymore. My lit analysis paper is almost done, so I hope to have more time for REAL writing again soon. Thanks to all the people who actually care that this exists. It makes me feel so special.

Btw: Monte is the name of the band teacher at my school XP.)

After deciding that the death-doing would start tomorrow, James and Sirius went to bed. When he came up to the room, Remus took it upon himself to move his and Peter's beds to the opposite side. And cast a silencing spell. And, on further reflection, throw on a few more protection spells that came to mind.

It wasn't until James blinked his eyes open in the morning that he realized his invisibility cloak was folded neatly—or, to use more exact phrasing, shoved haphazardly—into his trunk, and that Sirius would have every opportunity to end him before it could even have the chance to save him.

Closing his eyes to pretend he was still asleep, James saw the layout of the dorm in his mind's eye. Considering all the measures Sirius could have taken, James concocted a plan.

First, he rolled onto the floor, grabbing his wand off the night stand as he went. Next, he belly-crawled rapidly under Remus's bed; that is, where it was supposed to be. Upon looking up, James found that it was inexplicably across the room. Unwilling to remain in the open, James risked hiding under his own bed.

Breathing heavily, listening to his beating heart in the ominous silence, he realized that, as his trunk was at the foot of the bed, he could have gotten his cloak while barely leaving his bed. Instead, he carefully edged his trunk around with his fingers until it faced his bed. He then found that his bed got in the way of the lid opening. Taking a steadying breath, James pushed the trunk away from his bed, dashed out after it, cursed his inane need to put locks on things, and finally blasted it open with his wand. As he picked up his cloak from the smoldering remains, shouts sounded throughout the room and bed-curtains were flung back. James threw the cloak over him and dived under Peter's bed, ignoring the socks and rat-droppings.

"What the hell was that?" Sirius asked blearily.

"You mean _you_ aren't responsible?" Remus asked accusingly.

"Where's James?" Peter asked nervously. "That's his trunk…"

"What's going on?" a voice asked from another bed.

Everyone turned to the voice. "Who the hell are you?" Sirius demanded.

"I'm Monte!" the boy replied with a voice that suggested disturbance in his nasal cavity.

"Who?" Peter asked hesitantly.

"I've roomed with all of you since we started Hogwarts!"

"I don't remember you…" Remus said slowly.

"We're in the same year!" Monte insisted plaintively. "I play the accordion in the Hogwarts band!"

There was an intense silence as all boys, including a hidden James, wracked their memories.

"Hm… what were we talking about?" Remus finally asked.

"No idea," Sirius replied. "Couldn't have been anything important, I imagine."

"Probably not," Peter agreed.

"Well, let's go find James, the only other Gryffindor boy in our year," Sirius exclaimed. "I'm going to kill him today, you know!"

As they walked out, Monte heaved a despairing sigh. "That's weird," Remus said to himself. "I could swear I heard someone."


	3. The One Where It Ends

(AN: Finally updating with the finale. I finished this only because ManyIssues101Ali wanted it for her birthday. You should go find her and wish her a happy birthday.)

James slipped out of their dorm just before the door shut behind his friends, counting on their morning chatter to cover his footsteps. It was rather exciting, following them secretly; and James made a mental note to watch the side of himself that found following people exciting, but really, he hadn't used the cloak against his own friends… much. There had been that one time, when he'd had to confront Sirius about the nighttime trysts they'd both been making with the same girl (a bit of a spat had followed, until they realized they were both much too pretty for her). And the time they suspected Wormtail of ratting them out to McGonagall (he hadn't; James had sworn on his god-like Quidditch abilities to never doubt him again). And of course that large stretch, right after they'd discovered Remus's furrier side, and suspected him of hiding more (for example, he hid a lot of his homework where his friends' wouldn't think to look). But none of those really counted, for reasons too obscure for James to work through. Because someone else was usually involved, he supposed, and now he stood alone, tall, proud, solitary, with lightning-streaked skies as his backdrop… now if only someone could see him like this.

He took a seat across the table from his friends, a space usually left untenanted due to the propensity of broccoli and other green materials from the Marauders to attack whatever unfortunates sat there.

"So, have any plans to _kill your best friend_?" Remus asked Sirius, voice heavy with disapproval.

"Ah, ah, ah," Sirius admonished, waving his finger. "Can't divulge them to you, now can I? That sneaky bastard could be hiding anywhere around here, waiting to hear the secret of his demise. He could be hiding there," he declared, pointing his wand at the floating candles above and blowing out quite a few. "Or _there_;" his wand waved passed the seemingly-empty seat James inhabited, and he flinched, but it continued on to knock a first-year out of his seat. "Or _ther_—ah!"

Remus looked pitilessly at his friend splayed on the floor, clutching his nose and moaning. "Come on, you didn't _really_ think James was hiding under that girl's skirt, did you?"

"I ha'a 'e fafe," Sirius slurred behind his hand. He wiped his nose as he sat up, looking down at his hand. "Am I bleeding? I think I'm bleeding!"

"Whoops, class time!" Remus exclaimed, grabbing his bag and darting away from the table. James shared his first class with Remus and always counted on him to pull him away from the table in time, so he got up to follow—but managed to sneak a piece of Sirius's toast away as the boy held his hands out to Peter, exclaiming, "I'm bleeding!"

Once they were out of sight of the Great Hall, James whipped his cloak off, grinning at Remus victoriously. "Didn't suspect I was here, did you?" he demanded.

"Where else would you be?" Remus asked disinterestedly. "Have fun missing out on breakfast?"

"Didn't miss it," James replied petulantly, biting into his stolen toast. "You're such a kill-joy, Moony. Always going on about, 'don't try to dye yourself gold, James, you won't be able to turn back!' Or 'don't ride the kelpie, Prongs, it just wants to eat you!' Or 'swallowing a snitch is a stupid idea, it'll just fly around in your innards!' You just _nag_ all the time, and I don't know if I want to be tied to a nag, you nagger!"

"_Please_ divorce me then," Remus begged, sitting down heavily in his seat in Muggle Studies. "I don't know why I even bother with you guys…"

"But _Moony_!" James cried, clutching a hand to his heart. "How can you _say_ that? Without us, you wouldn't _have_ any friends!"

Remus's mouth fell open, before he shut it angrily and furrowed his brows. "You're a bloody wanker, James Potter, you know that?"

Before James could deny such activity (in a room full of boys, how weird), Sirius burst into the room with a triumphant "Aha!" and flourished his wand at James. "Say your prayers, Prongs, for I have come for _you_!"

James dived for the floor as a curse ricocheted off his seat, scattering his classmates. He pulled his cloak out as another curse struck him in the back, sending him sprawling on the floor and paralyzed. "Moony, quick, throw the cloak over me!" James cried desperately as Sirius approached.

"What in Merlin's name do you think you're doing, Mr. Black?" the professor demanded angrily, grabbing Sirius's arm.

"Nothing to worry about, Professor Mundus," Sirius replied curtly. "Just killing James Potter."

"You've thoroughly disturbed my lesson—wait, doing what now to James Potter?"

Sirius began to tug back as Mundus pulled him into the hallway, protesting loudly. "Professor, this is very urgent… if you could just… Professor, unhand me, I've a civic duty to perform! …Justice may be delayed, but it shall not be denied!"

Remus sighed as Sirius was removed bodily from the classroom, quickly performing the counter-curse for James and resuming his seat. "I told you this was a bad idea. How do you never realize when it's a bad idea?"

"The only bad idea is that I keep leaving my bloody cloak where I can't get to it!" James shouted, slamming the piece of cloth down on his desk. "Just give me a bit, I'll figure this out…"

While walking to their next class, James tried tying the cloak around his waist, but Remus declared he was too embarrassed to be seen with a floating torso. In their next class, once James had checked that Sirius was still getting chewed out and not present, he attempted to fold the cloak into an origami crane, then an origami caterpillar, then just tried to fold it in general, but all seemed beyond his skill level.

"You're going to get that taken away if you don't hide it," Remus muttered fiercely as the professor wandered between the desks, observing their wand-work. Peter gasped and exploded the bird he was meant to be transfiguring as McGonagall walked behind him, but James shoved it into his lap and she at least pretended not to notice.

"This just isn't going to work!" James finally exclaimed, shoving the cloak back in his bag and filing through the door with his classmates. "Moony, I need you to talk to Sirius! Tell him… tell him James Potter cannot live an invisible life! I will meet him in the Forbidden Forest behind the Whomping Willow! There, we will have our deathmatch!"

Remus heaved a sigh and pulled Peter along with him. "At least it'll be over soon."

James sneaked under his invisibility cloak and made his way to the Forbidden Forest, skirting the Willow instead of darting under it like usual. Yes, a straight-up, wizard-to-wizard duel would be the best place to be saved by an invisibility cloak. Here, in the shade of the trees, death surrounding him at every turn, at one with the forces of nature…

"All right, Prongs, here I am!" Sirius shouted, brandishing his wand as he entered the forest, Remus and Peter trailing behind him. "I had to sneak away from Filch for this, so you had… well, I would have done that anyway, but you had still better be ready to meet your maker!"

"You can count on that, Padfoot!" James called from the cover of his cloak. "I've always been ready. In fact, I just worry that my maker isn't ready to meet m—AH!" He shrieked as a jet of red shot towards him, scampering to the side and tripping on the cloak. He fell, feet becoming quite visible for a moment, as Sirius shouted "Expelliarmus!" James rolled back and managed to get his footing, peeking his wand from between the folds of the cloak and crying "Incendio!"

Sirius squealed and skipped to the side, leaning down in enough time that the spell darted over his head—and landed right in the underbrush between Remus and Peter.

"Agh! Dammit, James, we're in a bloody forest! What's—no, Peter, it's 'stop, drop, and roll,' not 'drop, flail, and scream'!" Remus stripped off his coat and beat out the fire on Peter while trying to stamp on the sparks that were spreading. "AGH! James, Sirius, I'm going to _kill you_!"

"RUN!" James screamed, grabbing Sirius's arm and tearing away through the woods.

"Where are we supposed to go?" Sirius asked breathlessly, keeping an even pace as they fled their cursing friend. "He knows this forest like I know Melissa Greenleaf's breasts! He's a bloody werewolf!"

James pulled up suddenly, sending Sirius stumbling. "Padfoot, I know what to do! Quick!" He threw the cloak over the two of them and crouched down by the foot of a tree shortly before Remus came thundering by.

"You get out here, James Potter! You can't run from me! There's _venison_ for dinner tonight!"

James and Sirius huddled, shivering in fear, until Remus had wandered further on, still shouting his all-too-possible threats to the trees. James turned to Sirius, eyes wide with a mixture of terror and elation. "Sirius, do you know what this means?" Sirius nodded, a smile spreading across his face, but let James finish. "This cloak just _saved my life_!"

Unfortunately, it didn't manage to sneak them in unnoticed, when the whole school had piled out to witness the Great Forbidden Fire of 1964. The boys protested their innocence, and later protested that the forest could _obviously_ use the underbrush being cleared away, so what was the big deal anyway, but they just couldn't avoid being in trouble once the centaurs showed up. Things tended to get nasty once they showed up.


End file.
